Despair in Victory
by Laiqalasse
Summary: Legolas' thoughts after Helm's Deep


Title: Despair in Victory  
  
Rating: erm...pg-13  
  
Spoilers: Two Towers movie  
  
Summary: this is yet another Legolas POV. this takes place after Helm's Deep and Legolas is left alone with his thoughts.  
  
Disclaimer: they aren't mine except for Lilly  
  
Author's Notes: try as i might i just couldn't write this strait. what that means is that this is SLASH. it's warm and fuzzy slash, though and not at all explicit. give it a shot. please? just for me?? if someone who doesn't read slash normally likes it and leaves a review they will get a bag of skittles all to themself.  
  
  
  
**Despair in Victory**  
  
Although it is daytime and the sun is up Helm's Deep is utterly quiet. The energized elation of victory finally wore off early this morning and everyone is deep in exhausted sleep. Even my fellow Elves who don't truly sleep and rarely all rest at once are passed out in various piles. As far as I know I am the only soul awake in the entire fortress. I know this cannot actually be the case, but I have not met one other person while I have been wandering the corridors.  
  
Like the others I am utterly exhausted but I cannot find rest. There are many emotions swirling in my heart and many thoughts in my head. Of course I am amazed and thrilled that we won this battle, but there are so many negative thoughts and feelings that I cannot latch onto the happiness. I thought that perhaps walking would set my mind at ease, but without the comforting presence of my forest I find that it only gives me more time to fall deeper into despair. As I walk I am naturally drawn to the outer wall where I am amazed to see the sun setting. I have been completely unaware of the passage of time. I sink onto the cold stone ground and lean back against the wall, drawing my knees up and folding my arms across them. I rest my chin on my forearms.  
  
The wind blows cold and it stings tears to my eyes; tears which for once I do not fight back. I shed the tears I could not release when I thought Aragorn was gone. As I gazed down at the turbulent waters below me that day I forgot the many years I'd lived before my friendship with the Man. All I had thought about then was how safe and secure I feel in his arms and how much we love each other. I very nearly jumped after him, but I refrained. Finally I was able to understand the grief that consumed my friends after Gandalf fell in Moia and the tears that were absent then suddenly rushed to my eyes, but I fought them back. I am not ashamed to cry, I just prefer to do it privately.  
  
I release the tears that came in anger when I confronted Aragorn in the Hall. I shouldn't have yelled at him, but I so keenly felt the injustice of mere children having to fight for their lives. The lives of Men are short enough without sending children into war. Children who are so young that they can't possibly even understand why they're fighting. I did not see how it was possible for us to win and I wanted Aragorn to acknowledge the fear that I knew dwelt in his heart.  
  
My eyes begin to burn yet there are more tears still. These are the tears of fear, regret and failure. I can still hear Aragorn's voice in my head. It echoes screaming, "KILL HIM!!!" I have had many more difficult shots in all my years. I still cannot understand how I missed. Never before have I had trouble putting a shaft through an Orc's eye. I have done it countless times. Why did I twice fail when the lives of so many people were in my hands? "Kill him." These words echo endlessly through my head.  
  
The thought of my failure leads directly to the thought of death and the death of a good friend. I weep most bitterly for Haldir. The look of disbelief on his face and raw fear in his eyes will haunt me forever. Whenever I close my eyes I see his face, twisted not in pain but confusion and I hear Aragorn's voice telling me to "kill him." Although it was not Haldir that Aragorn was speaking of, I do feel that I am responsible for Haldir's death. If I had been able to hit my target he would be alive today. I can only pray that he does not have to stay too long before he is released from the Halls of Mandos.  
  
I sense movement from the corner of my eye and turn my gaze to a single child walking along the wall toward me, her head bent down as she walks against the wind. For a moment I think she will pass by without seeing me, but she stops suddenly and turns her grey eyes on me. "You're Legolas, aren't you?" She cannot be more than ten years old. I quickly wipe the tears from my face. "Yes, I am Legolas. What's your name?" Without hesitation the child answers. "Lilly. I don't mean to bother you but I wanted to thank you for saving my father's life. He told me he was about to fall to an Orc when you put an arrow through its eye. He said you saved his life." Before I can react the child has wrapped her little arms around my neck and is giving me a hug. I return the embrace for a few moments before she pulls away. "You're welcome Lilly." She looks embarrassed, not sure of whether or not she should have hugged an Elf. "I should get back before mother gets worried." I smile. "Okay. It was nice meeting you." She waves. "Bye Legolas." With that she continues on to wherever she was going.  
  
I sit for long minutes, so lost in thought that I do not see or hear Aragorn until he places a hand on my shoulder. "I have been looking for you." He kneels in front of me, looking rested but still stressed. His grey eyes bore into mine but I cannot stand the scrutiny for long and I look down quickly. "Are you okay? You do not look like you have rested." I do not answer for a moment and I do not raise my eyes to meet his. "No, I have not rested, but I am all right." Aragorn reaches out and caresses my cheek. "Are you sure?" I consider this for a moment then a slow smile reaches my lips. "Yes." I repeat myself more quietly when I realize that this is the truth. My encounter with Lilly has completely changed my perspective. The grateful hug I received was worth all that I have been through. If ever I am in doubt I will remember Lilly and know that I made a difference to one little girl.  
  
Aragorn gives me a questioning look and I shrug, unwilling to share my encounter yet. "Really, Estel, I am fine. Very tired, but fine." Aragorn stands and offers me a hand up. I accept and am forced to lean on him as my weariness washes over me. Throwing caution to the wind I wrap my arms about my Man and tuck my head into that wonderfully convenient place where his neck meets his shoulder. I am emotionally tired and that has allowed my mind to finally register my physical exhaustion. I close my eyes when he pulls his cloak around us both, cocooning me in not only its warmth, but also the warmth of his arms around me and his hands on my back. How long we stand like that I'm not sure but suddenly I am very aware that we are in a very visible spot. "I think I will go find a place to curl up and dream." Estel smiles at me and releases me. I am keenly aware of the cold wind and it is almost enough to drive me back into his embrace. As if sensing my dilemma Aragorn gives me a smile and steps back. "Rest well, Wethrin." I find myself smiling back. "I will now." Before I can change my mind I turn and retreat into the inner halls of Helm's Deep. 


End file.
